A Tortured Soul
by YGOfangirl4ever
Summary: Marik Ishtar has been through hell and back, being abused in more ways than one for more than half his life, soon to begin cutting. Get deeper in the mind of a cutter, and learn from his experiences as he finds out there's more to life than just pain. WAY BETTER THAN IT SEEMS IN "PROLOGUE"! Warnings: AU cutting memories of abuse Dedication to everyone who has ever felt sad or alone
1. Prologue

Tenshi: Ok, so here's the story. I read this one coment on youtube, and I got curious. So,I started doing some reserch. And by the end, I realised that, some people go through some really hard times, and maybe even some of us, you, here on fanfiction. I can't know what the person Ijust shared some PM's with is really going through. So, I decided to write this story, for everyone out there who feels sad, who went through some traumatic incidents, or just feels alone. So you all know that, you're not alone. Even if it may seem like you are, you have to remember the people who went through the same things, and learn from them, and also remember that there are a lot of people who still care about you. If there's noone in your friends and your family, that there's always still us, online friends,and fanfiction passionates, and though we may not be there to hold your hand, at least we always suport you, and you know you're never alone.

So in this story, I tried to get as manny typesof problems as possible. It's pretty much a worst case scenario, and even if it's not as bad as this, whatever problems you have in your life, always rememeber that no matter what, you're never alone.

This storry is a dediaction to allof you, fanfiction writers, readers, and social outcasts out there *smiles*

Hello, to anyone who may be reading this diary of mine. My name is Marik Ishtar. I lived... let's say not the most pleasant life. So I am now writing my experiences down, for you all tortured souls out there to learn from my past, and remember to NEVER lose hope.

My mother died giving birth to me, and my father and sister soon followed her, when I was only five. When I was adopted, the man turned out to be a pedophile, who abused me mentally, phisically and sexualy till I was eight. When he was discovered, I was released, and the man locked up, but the damage was already done. The sort of things he did to me didn't just go away. And people like to say that, time heals all wounds. But I know better, because there are always those wounds that leave big scars behind. Time merely helps to cover them up, and push the pain and memories down deep, but they will always be there. You can't just forget such things. You can only leave them behind, and try to move forward, keeping the scars there, and using them to become even stronger, because there's just too much that time, can _not_ erase.

And fate didn't really help me move on, either. My foster parents always tried to ignore what happened to me, probably thinking that, that way, it will be like nothing did happen. But it'snot like that. Ignoring it can only make a wound worse, let it get infected and develop even further until it can be saved no more.

All throughout elementary school I was bullied by others who had the feeling that, just because they were stronger, it made it Ok to hurt others. By the time I was 10, so much had piled up, I just didn't know what to do any longer. I had no friends whatsoever, my so-called-family didn't give a crap about me, even started hitting me, and all the pain I went through was slowly destroying me.

And that's when I discovered cutting, and how some people did it to forget their own problems.

My name is Marik Ishtar, I am an ex cutter, and this is my story...

Tenshi: Well, that's the prlogue. I hope you all liked it, and trust me,it's gonna get better. I did a lot of studying on this, and I am gonna do my best to get into his character and his mentality. Just wait till the next chapter, which should be up in a few hours. If not, then one day, tops :D


	2. Chapter 2

... It all started in a monday afternoon, after school. I was returning home... no, rather, returning to the house I was living in. I decided to take a different route. I just needed a change of scenery...

'Not like that will change all of your problems, or change how useless you are' my mind shouted at me. And I knew it was right. But still, this route promised a lot less people. And less people, was always the preffered option for me. So I took the route through a maze of smaller streets, where not a lot of people walked.

And then it clicked, these were the bullies' favourite types of places. I immediately regreted my decision, but it was too late already. So I just kept walking, tensing up at each alley I passed, my head down so that my hair was shadowing my eyes.

I took a corner, then crossed a street, all the while hoping I didn't encounter anyone. Then as I turned to walk through an alley, a strange shining up ahead atracted my atention, and looking up, I had a big shock. There they were, two persons, a boy and a girl, standing in the darkened part of the alley. And what surprised me was the small razor blade I could distinguish in her hand, that she was using to create a long thread of red on her pale arm.

My eyes widened, and my too-skinny-to-be-healty arm shot up for my hand to cover my mouth. I quickly walked back and out of that alley, letting my back slide down the building and to the ground.

Horrible memories flashed back in my mind at the sight of the red, lacey strings making their way down her arm; memories of my own blood running down in a very similar way.

Oh gods, why would someone do something like that to himself? Pain, was something I know very well. I just couldn't _begin_ to comprehend why anyone would want to cause it to themselves!

I got up and took my school-bag in my hand, running all the way home, my mind never once forgeting that image, as questions kept swirling around my head.

Oh and why oh why does curiosity have to be such a strong emotion? It's no exageration that it alone can lead to your death. I learned that on my own skin as I got home that day and dashed straight to my room, only to later have my foster parents call me downstairs.

I didn't know what they could have wanted. I mean, they barely ever even acknowledged my presence, and when they did, it was usualy only enough to slap me after talking out of turn or cutting their path.

'Did I do something srong? Are they gonna punish me?' were the sorts of thoughts that went through my head as I climbed down the stairs, and walked nervously to the living room.

What I was about to find out though, was something completely different, and very unexpected. And it was probably the last drop. After all one can only take so much, before he breaks. Aino, my foster mother, was preagnant.

That was the begining of my newest set of problems. Soon enough, I had been completely outcasted by my family. They would ignore me, feed me less and less, and the hits and slaps, become more freqwent. I would go out of my way to make sure I didn't cross paths with either of them, knowing full well that, if I did, I'd only have another bruise to hide.

And in the meantime, life outside of the house was worsening, too. I was becoming more and more terrified of crouds, and of people in general. And as schoolmates started noticing my more and more proeminent bruises, rumours started spreading around, and I knew all about them. After all, noone went out of their way to hide their gossiping, when most of the time they wouldn't even notice me in the same room.

People got the impression that I was some sort of bully, or in some gang that got into fights, thus the bruises. Therefore other bullies from school took it upon themselves to prove to me who was the big boss in school. And it was, horrible! They'd corner me,and beat me for minutes without end, while all I did was whimper, cry out to them, and try to ask myself why this was happening to me. What bad have I ever done to anyone? I just didn't get it. Why was I being punished like this? It was all just too much for me to handle, and I'd find myself every night crying myself to sleep, wishing for the next day to never come.

But it always did. And it always brought more pain, as more rumours were being spread, and my family would become harsher and harsher with me. Not long after, I found myself moved down to the basement, in order to leave the room I once inhabited, to one of the twins that Aino was soon to give birth to.

All I now wished, was for all of it to just end, and to be able to live, without having to fear the mere voice of my so-called parents, or dread whatever the next day would bring.

Or even better, just die.

That's right. That way, there would be no more pain, and I'd be in peace, forever.

But still I couldn't, no, I didn't have the courage to take my own life. I guess someone as useless, and whimpy and _weak_ as me, wouldn't be able to do something like that.

Whithout even realising it, I found myself holding a razor, and cutting through my wrist. And Gods it hurt like hell! I had to close my eyes really tightly to keep any tears from leaving them.

But after that, I found a weird relief wash over me. Actually that's not too accurate. It wasn't really relief, but in a weird way, it felt good. It was like, my life was made out of pain, and this, was the one pain I could control. The one moment I felt like _I_ could control what was happening to myself, in stead of others. For a second, I'd go back in time, back to all that pain that man caused me, but this time around, I would be the one in control, and not him. For once, I was in control of my own fate.

So I cut again, only to get that feeling of being in control once again...

And that was how I first began to cut, and before long, I found myself addicted to it. Whenever someone said something to get me frustrated, or something would trigger a flashback, whenever I saw people happily chatting and I'd get jealous, jealous that I couldn't have such a care-free life, that I couldn't have friends to be there to suport me, whenever I'd feel depressed, or just... empty... there was always the same answer. I'd always use the razor to help me cope with all these emotions.

And it helped, while it did, but that feeling wouldn't last forever, and would just be replaced by an even deeper emptyness, knowing that self-inflicted pain was my only way of coping with emotions, and the closest thing I had to a friend, and also, a deep-rooted shame. But never-the-less, I just couldn't stop myself. There was never any other way for me to escape from the life I was living, and when things got too much, it was the only thing I could ever do. I was just that desperate. And after I did it, I would always start crying. Usualy even before I started cutting. Gods I just wanted all of it to end already! That was all I could think of as I would just sit there, in the bathroom of whatever place I chose to commit the act, and ball my eyes out.

That was my life. A never-ending chain of pain and despair, as I started to think that, this was my destiny. That all I was ever going to be was this, and pain was all that was ever fated to me.

Tenshi: Ok I am sorry this was so short, but today didn't really go as planned, and well, I'm also trying to do more research on this. I'm doing my best to know that I'll somehow be able to understand his thoughts, and get as deeply anto his mind as I could...

though I can't help but feel that I'm failing miserably... *sigh*  
Oh well, that's it. That's as much as I can do at one in the morning after a night of staying up late...


End file.
